Managing Meltdowns in Kid with ADHD
Parents of kids with and without ADHD can probably all relate to after school meltdowns and think “Why? Where is this coming from?” Sometimes those meltdowns can escalate to aggression and outbursts that are very hard to come back from.
All young kids but particularly those with ADHD have a very difficult time with emotional regulation. Emotional regulation allows us to process and respond to external stimuli without getting overly triggered or spiraling out of control.
Remember ADHD is a disorder of executive functioning, which effects many aspects of life: management of impulses, attention, time, and emotions.
Through modeling, teaching mindfulness, connectedness, empathy, and behavioral interventions, we can teach emotional regulation to kids with ADHD.
Why all the anger and meltdowns:
- They generally feel unheard regarding their feelings or are lacking emotional connection and being aggressive gets them the attention they think they need even though it’s negative attention.
- They’ve been suppressing their emotions trying to “be good” outside of home and release all of their pent up feelings once they are in their “safe space”.
- They are overstimulated.
- Excess energy and poor executive function/impulse control= large impulsive responses to emotions.
How to help:
So now what to do about it. In a broad view, you are always seeking to empathize and connect with your child. They are so used to people fussing and nit picking at them that they may be already on the defensive before you are even aware that they are spiraling. So this may take some time to show them that you are on their team.
Here is a simple blueprint for calming aggressive meltdowns.
Before I start, I have to say of course safety first. Make sure you and your child are in a safe place and dangerous things to throw, kick, or hit are out of reach.
Blueprint for calming an angry child:
- Connect with them
- ADHD kids do not need lectures. In fact, the more you talk at them, the more likely they are to tune you out.
- Raising your volume will only cause them to raise theirs.
- Emotional outbursts are part genuine feeling due to a trigger and part cry for help. They are your child saying I’m unregulated and I don’t know what to do with all of these feelings. Yelling at them will only make them louder in an attempt to have their emotional needs met.
- Get down on their level. If they seem receptive to it, gently touch them to connect.
- Sit quietly with them and show them that you are there to support them. While you are there think of a calming mantra to repeat to yourself because it is NOT easy to sit and be the calm anchor they need. One of my favorites is “emotions are like storm clouds, they will pass.”
- Acknowledge and label the feelings
- In order to manage emotions you have to understand them. This is called emotional intelligence.
- Teach kids a broad range of emotions by helping them label them when they are feeling them. It seems like you are angry, annoyed, sad, disappointed, etc.
- Describe/label your feelings when you have them too. Normalize them but then model to your child that you are recognizing the feeling and choosing to move past it or how you need to deal with it “I’m angry right now and just need a minute and then we will talk.”
- Behavior Interventions
- Provide actionable behavior based instruction
- Clear and concise
- You need to lower your voice
- I need you to put your hands in your lap.
- Telling them to “stop hitting” or “stop kicking” may not work because their mind needs to know what to do. Remember they are dysregulated and not thinking clearly.
- When all is calm, make a plan for next time.
- Make a behavior plan. Discuss with your child how they felt when they started to feel angry. Go through a few options of what you both may think might help: go for a walk, take some deep breaths, get a drink of water, etc. The goal is to help them recognize their emotions coming on before they reach meltdown point.
This whole post is about what to do during an angry or aggressive meltdown. So it is the REACTIVE response. But, in the perfect world we would strive to be PROACTIVE and avoid the angry outbursts in the first place, right?
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“”7 Steps to Decrease Meltdowns”
